Living in Rape Culture

Entry by Taliena

On June 25th 2008, ten days after my 16th birthday, my older sister came to town to see me since she missed my actually birthday. I had two mixed drinks that I made myself, my sister had a few more, she insisted we went on a walk while it was still daylight. I agreed. We stopped at the high school I attended at the time, since it was summer break we figured no one would be out in the field. As it got dark, I was trying to get to finally just got home. After a while it was pretty much completely dark outside, about that time, two guys walked up behind us, it was dark enough I could really see anybody’s face. There were no street lights in sight. They started talking, and my sister wondered off with one of them, I felt really uncomfortable, and just wanted to leave. I told the guy that was trying to talk to me that I wasn’t interested in hanging out I was just trying to go home, I started to walk away and he grabbed me. I got really scared and started panicking, yelling for my sister but, she wasn’t answering me. About that time this guy threw me to the ground, and attempted to rip my pants down so I hit him and got a few feet away, before he pulled me up by my hair, flung me around, hit me and said this is going to happen weather or not you like it. I fought as hard as I possibly could to get away but, he was stronger. Way stronger. He continued on through my struggle and raped me. When he was done, I couldn’t move, my body wouldn’t let me. As I just laid there sobbing, I heard him talking to the other guy, telling him it was his turn if he wanted, that he already took care of the hard part. When I finally brought myself to lift my head. They were gone. My bag was gone, my phone was gone, they took everything. It took everything I had to get up and find my sister, she was passed out and looked to be unharmed. She was so drunk, that I carried her the whole 12 blocks back home. My mom got home from work and I was curled in a ball freaking out, I finally brought myself to tell her what happened and she called the police. From the beginning the cops didn’t seem like they believed me, even though I had grass stains and blood and cuts all over me. They asked me ridiculous questions like “are you just saying you we’re raped because you don’t want your parents to know your having sex” and saying things like “if you’re lying about being raped you can tell us you won’t get into trouble.” I couldn’t believe that the police would even ask me things like that after something so horrible just happened, and after they saw me all beat up. A few weeks went by and they had nothing, no leads on who it was. The detective on my case had the nerve to come to my house while my mom was gone, and tell me that my own mother told him she thought I was lying. The only thing I could was slam the door in his face. I confronted my mom and I believe her when she said she didn’t say anything of the sort. My case was closed and I never got justice because the cops, and detectives thought I was lying, and because I don’t know who did it. I started school 2 months later.. I would have flash backs, and would break down and freak out because that was the place it happened at. They wouldn’t let me transfer high schools, so I felt like I had no other option I dropped out. I felt like no one besides my family was on my side because I had 2 drinks before it happened. I refused counseling because I was made felt like it was my fault, and that everyone would think it was my fault. I’m now 20 years old, And to this day I still don’t have justice for what happened, but I have come to learn that it was NOT my fault. I know that now, and to me that’s justice in itself.

2 thoughts on “Living in Rape Culture

  1. Oh, god, I’m SO sorry that happened to you. I just wanted to mention that it’s never too late to seek counseling – a good, capable and professional counselor will NEVER try to make you feel that it was your fault. I didn’t get counseling for my childhood sexual abuse until I was in my late 30s, but it wasn’t wasted and I’ve never been sorry I went.

    Sometimes all the justice we can find comes from within. Good for you for the steps you’ve taken! All my wishes go with you for further healing.

  2. thanks for sharing your story.

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