I don’t know if you will choose to post this, though I hope you do, even if the contents of this message are graphic. Only a handful of people that are close to me know about this, and please understand it’s very difficult to even type this down but I would like to get my story out there, into the public, to try and help people understand what rape is. There can never be a complete understanding, even when you read something like what I have briefly written down, because to physically and mentally endure such a terrible attack…. it’s beyond imagination. It’s been said in political statements as of late, that rape is just sex, it’s just another means of conception. As a victim myself, I would like to say that all of those statements are false. In 2007, when I was 19, my life was drastically changed. I will never be the person I was, I am forever changed, mentally and physically. I want that girl back, the carefree, spunky, go getter… but it’s hard, and I try every day to push myself further, to heal myself.
I was invited to a friends house, he told me that a group of our friends were getting together. Going there ended up being the largest mistake of my life. So much of myself was left there, with my blood and ripped clothing on his floor. I couldn’t pick it up and get it back. After being there ten minutes, I found out he was lying, no one else was coming. After I turned down his advances and tried to leave, he forcibly tied my hands together, dragged me kicking and screaming into his room where he tied me to his bed and then he tied a pillow case over my head, where he then attacked me for over three hours. I don’t think people can understand how terrifying it is to have your head tied up inside of a pillow case, breathing in your own hot breath, not being able to see, only hearing and feeling the attack, not knowing what he was going to do next or where he was at. I thought I was going to die, I think I wanted to in those hours, and for a long time after that terrible day. I have never known a pain like that day. I didn’t know every single inch of my flesh and insides could hurt like that. He kept telling me that when he was finished with me, I would be dead. He spit on me and called me a bitch so many times and told me it was all my fault.
Apart from sexually assaulting me with his own body parts, he also used a baseball bat, a wine bottle, and scissors. When he was done, he threw me to the floor and began kicking me and beating me. I had two broken ribs, a dislocated jaw, a black eye that was swollen shut, a broken nose, a split lip, and blood came out of one of my ears. Blood was coming from every part of my face, and it covered the pillow case in a sick, dark red that smelled like copper and plastered itself to my skin with my tears. I had a break down afterwards, I cut off a large portion of my hair, I tried taking sleeping pills. How can one person ruin someone else so thoroughly?
I fought back as hard as I could, I used every fiber of my being to try and hurt him, to get away. I had so much to live for, even when I wanted all of that pain to end, I thought of my family and how much I loved them. I scratched him, and bit him through the pillow case. I kicked, I screamed and I know I got a few good punches in.
I would be dead now if his brother hadn’t shown up and saved my life. I had been fighting on my own, but I just wasn’t strong enough. He pulled me out of the house and into his car, where he took me to a friends. At the hospital, it was found that I now have nerve damage in my lady parts, so sex will never be the same. The Republicans have stated that women should have to pay for their rape kits. I didn’t have the funds for one. If I would have had to pay for my own, he never would have been brought up against a court. I was ashamed of what had happened and I didn’t want my family to know. I was never home, I stayed with friends, because I couldn’t admit that someone had broken me so badly. That someone had done that to me. How can someone be full of so much hatred?
Mentally, I’m completely different. I’m terrified to go anywhere alone, because I know what people are capable of. I have problems keeping a job because I have had two nervous breakdowns. Jobs were never a problem before. I was confident, outgoing and so smart. I had already worked with numerous Humanitarian Aid foundations and organizations, including the United Nations, at the age of only 19.
I dream of that attack all of the time. It haunts me. Five years after the attack, he was finally arrested. He got four years in jail. Four years, that’s it. I got a life sentence from that attack, it’s with me every day when I look at my scars. For the rest of my life, I’ll fear him. I’ll have fear of so many things. I’ll always be scared that I will run into him, that he’ll finish what he had started. Once, two years ago, I saw him in the parking lot of a store. I threw up and was unable to drive myself home because I was shaking uncontrollably. The mental damage is so bad, that I can’t even watch scenes in movies where a girl is mistreated or a scene where someone has a sack over their head. He might not have killed me as he intended, but he killed so much of me.
So, in conclusion, I would like to tell Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and all of those other Republicans that no, rape is NOT just sex and a means of conception. We will NOT just “lay back and enjoy it.” It’s an attack, it’s life changing, it takes so many innocent lives away. I’m thankful that they don’t have to look in the mirror and see a scar on their cheek, reminding them of that day. I’m happy that they don’t have to feel their crooked ribs because two were mercilessly broken. This war on women is extremely personal to me, and I want to tell my story, to make people understand. I have thought many times about ending things, to stop the images in my head from that day, but I won’t do that, I won’t let my attacker win. I may be a victim, but I won’t lose myself to this.
I would be dead now if his brother hadn’t shown up and saved my life. I had been fighting on my own, but I just wasn’t strong enough. He pulled me out of the house and into his car, where he took me to a friends. At the hospital, it was found that I now have nerve damage in my lady parts, so sex will never be the same. The Republicans have stated that women should have to pay for their rape kits. I didn’t have the funds for one. If I would have had to pay for my own, he never would have been brought up against a court. If the Republicans had their way; if I had gotten pregnant, my rapist would have had parental rights. I would have had to see him in some way or another for the rest of my life.
I was ashamed of what had happened and I didn’t want my family to know. I was never home, I stayed with friends, because I couldn’t admit that someone had broken me so badly. That someone had done that to me. How can someone be full of so much hatred?